The Squirrel and the Grasshopper. (it would be funny, but..)

[Psye Shaar]

THE SQUIRREL AND THE GRASSHOPPER

REST OF THE WORLD VERSION:

The squirrel works hard in the withering heat all summer long, building and improving his house and laying up supplies for the winter. The grasshopper thinks he's a fool, and laughs and dances and plays the summer away.

Come winter, the squirrel is warm and well fed. The shivering grasshopper has no food or shelter, so he dies out in the cold.

THE END


THE BRITISH VERSION:

The squirrel works hard in the withering heat all summer long, building his house and laying up supplies for the winter. The grasshopper thinks he's a fool, and laughs and dances and plays the summer away. Come winter, the squirrel is warm and well fed.

A social worker finds the shivering grasshopper, calls a press conference and demands to know why the squirrel should be allowed to be warm and well fed while others less fortunate, like the grasshopper, are cold and starving. The BBC shows up to provide live coverage of the shivering grasshopper; with cuts to a video of the squirrel in his comfortable warm home with a table laden with food.

The British press inform people that they should be ashamed that in a country of such wealth, this poor grasshopper is allowed to suffer so while others have plenty. The Labour Party, Greenpeace, Animal Rights and The Grasshopper Council of GB demonstrate in front of the squirrel's house.

The BBC, interrupting a cultural festival special from Notting Hill with breaking news, broadcasts a multi cultural choir singing "We Shall Overcome". Ken Livingstone rants in an interview with Trevor McDonald that the squirrel has gotten rich off the backs of grasshoppers, and calls for an immediate tax hike on the squirrel to make him pay his "fair share" and increases the charge for squirrels to enter inner London.

In response to pressure from the media, the Government drafts the Economic Equity and Grasshopper Anti Discrimination Act, retroactive to the beginning of the summer.

The squirrels's taxes are reassessed. He is taken to court and fined for failing to hire grasshoppers as builders for the work he was doing on his home and an additional fine for contempt when he told the court the grasshopper did not want to work.

The grasshopper is provided with a council house, financial aid to furnish it and an account with a local taxi firm to ensure he can be socially mobile. The squirrels food is siezed and re distributed to the more needy members of society, in this case the grasshopper.

Without enough money to buy more food, to pay the fine and his newly imposed retroactive taxes, the squirrel has to downsize and start building a new home. The local authority takes over his old home and utilises it as a temporary home for asylum seeking cats who had hijacked a plane to get to Britain as they had to share their country of origin with mice. On arrival they tried to blow up the airport because of Britains apparent love of dogs.

The cats had been arrested for the international offence of hijacking and attempt bombing but were immediately released because the police fed them pilchards instead of salmon whilst in custody. Initial moves to then return them to their own country were abandoned because it was feared they would face death by the mice. The cats devise and start a scam to obtain money from peoples credit cards.

A Panorama special shows the grasshopper finishing up the last of the squirrels's food, though Spring is still months away, while the council house he is in, crumbles around him because he hasn't bothered to maintain the house. He is shown to be taking drugs. Inadequate government funding is blamed for the grasshoppers drug 'illness'.

The cats seek recompense in the British courts for their treatment since arrival in UK.
The grasshopper gets arrested for stabbing an old dog during a burglary to get money for his drugs habit. He is imprisoned but released immediately because he has been in custody for a few weeks. He is placed in the care of the probation service to monitor and supervise him. Within a few weeks he has killed a guinea pig in a botched robbery.

A commission of enquiry, that will eventually cost £10,000,000 and state the obvious, is set up.

Additional money is put into funding a drug rehabilitation scheme for grasshoppers and legal aid for lawyers representing asylum seekers is increased. The asylum seeking cats are praised by the government for enriching Britain's multicultural diversity and dogs are criticised by the government for failing to befriend the cats.

The grasshopper dies of a drug overdose. The usual sections of the press blame it on the obvious failure of government to address the root causes of despair arising from social inequity and his traumatic experience of prison. They call for the resignation of a minister.

The cats are paid a million pounds each because their rights were infringed when the government failed to inform them there were mice in the United Kingdom.

The squirrel, the dogs and the victims of the hijacking, the bombing, the burglaries and robberies have to pay an additional percentage on their credit cards to cover losses, their taxes are increased to pay for law and order and they are told that they will have to work beyond 65 because of a shortfall in government funds.

THE END

[Jskee]

That's the US's version too, so you're not alone. It's ridiculous......

[albonia]

Its too close to the dammed truth to be funny. Here is another i came across on the same idea,

Its called a modern day politically correct battle of trafalgar

Nelson: "Order the signal, Hardy."

Hardy: "Aye, aye sir."

Nelson: "Hold on, that's not what I dictated to the signal officer.
What's the meaning of this?"

Hardy: "Sorry sir?"

Nelson (reading aloud): "England expects every person to do his duty,
regardless of race, gender, sexual orientation, religious persuasion or
disability". "What gobbledegook is this?"

Hardy: "Admiralty policy, I'm afraid, sir. We're an equal opportunities
employer now. We had the devil's own job getting 'England' past the
censors, lest it be considered racist."

Nelson: "Gadzooks! Hardy, hand me my pipe and tobacco."

Hardy: "Sorry sir. All naval vessels have been designated smoke-free
working environments."

Nelson: "In that case, break open the rum ration. Let us splice the
main brace to steel the men before battle."

Hardy: "The rum ration has been abolished, Admiral. Its part of the
Government's policy on binge drinking."

Nelson: "Good heavens, Hardy. I suppose we'd better get on with it ...
full speed ahead."

Hardy: "I think you'll find that there's a 4 knot speed limit in this
stretch of water."

Nelson: "Damn it man! We are on the eve of the greatest sea battle in
history. We must advance with all dispatch. Report from the crow's nest
please."

Hardy: "That won't be possible, sir."

Nelson: "What?"

Hardy: "Health and safety have closed the crow's nest, sir. No harness.
And they said that rope ladder doesn't meet regulations. They won't let
anyone up there until a proper scaffolding can be erected."

Nelson: "Then get me the ship's carpenter without delay, Hardy."

Hardy: "He's busy knocking up a wheelchair access to the fo'c'sle
Admiral."

Nelson: "Wheelchair access? I've never heard anything so absurd."

Hardy: "Health and safety again, sir. We have to provide a barrier-free
environment for the differently abled."

Nelson: "Differently abled? I've only one arm and one eye and I refuse
even to hear mention of the word. I didn't rise to the rank of admiral
by playing the disability card."

Hardy: "Actually, sir, you did. The Royal Navy is under-represented in
the areas of visual impairment and limb deficiency."

Nelson: "Whatever next? Give me full sail. The salt spray beckons."

Hardy: "A couple of problems there too, sir. Health and safety won't
let the crew up the rigging without hard hats. And they don't want
anyone breathing in too much salt - haven't you seen the adverts?"

Nelson: "I've never heard such infamy. Break out the cannon and tell
the men to stand by to engage the enemy."

Hardy: "The men are a bit worried about shooting at anyone, Admiral."
Nelson: "What? This is mutiny."

Hardy: "It's not that, sir. It's just that they're afraid of being
charged with murder if they actually kill anyone. There's a couple of
legal-aid lawyers on board, watching everyone like hawks."

Nelson: "Then how are we to sink the Frenchies and the Spanish?"

Hardy: "Actually, sir, we're not."

Nelson: "We're not?"

Hardy: "No, sir. The Frenchies and the Spanish are our European
partners now. According to the Common Fisheries Policy, we shouldn't
even be in this stretch of water. We could get hit with a claim for
compensation."

Nelson: "But you must hate a Frenchman as you hate the devil."

Hardy: "I wouldn't let the ship's diversity co-ordinator hear you
saying that sir. You'll be up on disciplinary."

Nelson: "You must consider every man an enemy, who speaks ill of your
King."

Hardy: "Not any more, sir. We must be inclusive in this multicultural
age. Now put on your Kevlar vest; it's the rules."

Nelson: "Don't tell me - health and safety. Whatever happened to rum,
sodomy and the lash?"

Hardy: As I explained, sir, rum is off the menu! And there's a ban on
corporal punishment."

Nelson: "What about sodomy?"

Hardy: "I believe it's to be encouraged, sir."

Nelson: "In that case.… kiss me, Hardy

[Gregpooh]

Democracy: The form of government where everyone gets what the majority deserve. Nuff Said!

[charlierazor]

Then there was one who really needed that aide, and the government refused it to him because he was a single white male. In fact he was told, "You don't stand a chance in hell of getting aide. There are two many minorities, and women, and women with children on the streets." So the single white male lived homeless in a truck, thanks to a divorce, for one year while he tried to get his life on track. Let's just say, winter in Wyoming in a truck isn't pretty. Thankfully that male did get his life back on track and ironically, the same white male now works for said government.

.....I'd like to add......Regardless of the treatment that white male was given by the government, "This I will DEFEND" even yet. There are others in other countries who havn't even the common liberties, or luxuries Americans AND British have.

[Psye Shaar]

How things are in other countries around the world is beside the point. Both Britain and America give billions every year to other countries to attempt to help them. Money that as far as England is concerned, it cannot afford.

Put that to one side and then take a look inside the country itself. Currently 100's of 1000's of unregistered (and by that I mean that they basically don't exist as far as most records go) refugees that are claiming benefits. Add to those all of the people that legally come into the country and imediately drop onto benefits because they have no formal training in anything and often (although I am by no means categorising everyone in this) have no desire to learn, when they can gain a reasonable income by .... yes.. you guessed, benefits.

Then we get to the good old natural residents who believe that they're entitled to this that and everything else off the government, even though so many of them have never even done a years work in their entire lives, but HEY, WHAT THE HELL! Lets support all them as well! It's not like the country's already broke with debt that's mounting into numbers an increasing number of our younger generation don't even know exist. Give it another decade and 'squillion' may well find it's way into the Oxford Dictionary

I have a better level of living than billions of people in countries all over the world. Hell, I have a better level of life than millions of people in this country, but you know what? I've been working since I was 13 (only a paper round, but still my own income) and at current rate i'll still be working until i'm at least 75. I've been paying into a pension scheme since I was 20 that ~may~ be enough to live off once I reach retirement, but the funny thing is, by the time I get there, it may be the only money I have to live off, as a highly doubt a state pension will exist anymore and I wouldn't be at all surprised if I got taxed on my own pension by then too. A pension that I can't really afford to pay what I do into, bearing in mind a nice large chunk of my income is already going to an ever increasing number of people that, IMHO don't deserve a fucking penny of it.

I'm quite happy to pay money back into the country that I live in, but I begrudge paying it to leeches that are going to run this country even further into the ground.

A recent comment was made on the radio that people shouldn't have so many St Georges flags in the cars at the moment because it may be offensive to some religions/nationalities here. You want to know what? If someone has a problem with someone flying a St Georges flag in ENGLAND, then they can fuck off back to wherever they came from where i'm sure, nothing so offensive as a flag of their own patron saint would ever be seen.

I have friends of a wide variety of nationalities, so before anyone decides to throw in the racist card, don't bother. My problem is with people that have no respect for anyone else and believe that everyone and everything else should change to suit them. This includes all the British people who've set up home in Spain and are now complaining they can't get all their English food and amenities there so my point extends to everyone.

Anyway, i'm bored of ranting now because it makes little difference other than to make me feel better for a while, so for those of you that bothered to read it all, more fool you

~Psye

[charlierazor]

Aye. I admit there are problems with our governmental systems, and about the other countries, etc. etc. etc.

What I'm trying to say though isn't so much that, as much as it is, that as jacked up as our governments may be, I'm still willing to die, in defense and honor of my country. They arn't perfect, but they could be ALOT worse is also what I was trying to say.

[Jskee]

Psye,
A-men brother! It's about time you and I agree on something!

I wonder which of our countries has the worst public school system. In the US, a teenager who works at McDonalds forty hours/week makes almost the same as we pay our starting teachers who have a minimum of 6 years of college education. To date, the US has already spent more on the war in Iraq, then it has on education in the past 20 years total. Pretty fucking sad if you ask me.

I could go on forever with this topic, but I won't. I live a better life than 95% of the people on this planet, so I am thankful for that. Good post though Psye. I hope you feel better.